A wise Bostonian woman once said "Move the f*** over!!!!!" and I don't think I could have said it any better. Being in Chicago about two months now there have been countless opportunities to get into some awkward situations on the street. Pedestrians everywhere should learn these three simple rules:
PERSONAL SPACE
For the love of God you do not need to stand any closer to me on this sidewalk when there's an entire square to my right and to my left that are completely empty, and I see you inching closer. Don't think I don't notice. Perhaps you don't see all that well. Maybe I blend into the surroundings and that's why you decided to stand so close in front of me that I can see every mole on the back of your neck. So when I cough loudly to startle you and send you death rays from my eyes it means BACK THE F*** OFF. This town actually is big enough for the two of us, this sidewalk in fact.
LANE TRANSLATION
If you've ever driven a car in the continental United States you know that traffic passes ON YOUR LEFT. So, if you're walking down a busy street wouldn't it be easier to just translate this simple concept into pedestrian life? Why should we reinvent the wheel when there is clearly a system that already works?! Let's hire PedeCops. They will be police officers who stand on the street and ticket people for walking on the wrong side of the sidewalk.
ROAD HOG
The newest observation yet. Throngs of people crossing the street at once with no regard for the people coming at them. Yes, let's take up the entire sidewalk and street so that the people coming towards us have to play PLINKO in order to get to the other side. No no, excuse me, sorry for trying to get to my destination. I know you need this entire sidewalk and weaving back and forth so that I can't get around you is a lot of fun. The PedeCops will also ticket for reckless walking. Oh and the PedeCops will be from Boston.
2 comments:
and you shall notice the pedecops because they will be the least attractive people in a 10 mile radius.
that's because people from the midwest are apparently really attractive.
Also I love this post, I have the same issues EVERY DAY! It's like the two mobs of people crossing the street are playing chicken to see which mob is going to split.
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