Don't Stand So Close To Me

A wise Bostonian woman once said "Move the f*** over!!!!!" and I don't think I could have said it any better. Being in Chicago about two months now there have been countless opportunities to get into some awkward situations on the street. Pedestrians everywhere should learn these three simple rules:

PERSONAL SPACE
For the love of God you do not need to stand any closer to me on this sidewalk when there's an entire square to my right and to my left that are completely empty, and I see you inching closer. Don't think I don't notice. Perhaps you don't see all that well. Maybe I blend into the surroundings and that's why you decided to stand so close in front of me that I can see every mole on the back of your neck. So when I cough loudly to startle you and send you death rays from my eyes it means BACK THE F*** OFF. This town actually is big enough for the two of us, this sidewalk in fact.

LANE TRANSLATION
If you've ever driven a car in the continental United States you know that traffic passes ON YOUR LEFT. So, if you're walking down a busy street wouldn't it be easier to just translate this simple concept into pedestrian life? Why should we reinvent the wheel when there is clearly a system that already works?! Let's hire PedeCops. They will be police officers who stand on the street and ticket people for walking on the wrong side of the sidewalk.

ROAD HOG
The newest observation yet. Throngs of people crossing the street at once with no regard for the people coming at them. Yes, let's take up the entire sidewalk and street so that the people coming towards us have to play PLINKO in order to get to the other side. No no, excuse me, sorry for trying to get to my destination. I know you need this entire sidewalk and weaving back and forth so that I can't get around you is a lot of fun. The PedeCops will also ticket for reckless walking. Oh and the PedeCops will be from Boston.

Public Service Announcement

FORGET WHAT YOUR MOTHER TOLD YOU ABOUT BABIES AND PREGNANCY
ITS IN THE WATER!

If you have a uterus you are at risk. Now the danger is worse than ever. Pregnancies are at an all time high. Every woman should protect herself from this highly communicable condition.

Know the symptoms...Know the signs
*nausea
*heartburn
*indigestion
*upset stomach
*diarrhea
Some severe symptoms often include
*weight gain
*child labor

It is important that you remove yourself from any situation from which you may become pregnant, the most common being public sources of water. Locations with the highest risk tend to be offices, schools, parks, pools and beaches.

"I thought I knew what to avoid. I was at a party one night, thought I was being careful. A month later I was pregnant. I never thought drinking out of a large plastic Rubbermaid container filled with fruit and alcohol could result in pregnancy."
- Ginny, 21, Granville, OH

"Its almost like the chicken pox, sometimes you just have to get all your friends together and get it over with. That's what we did."
- Nicole Richie, adopted daughter of famed singer Lionel Richie

If you think you may be at risk, contact your health care provider at once.

For more information visit our website at www.itsinthewater.com

Judgey Wudgey Was A Bear

There are a million wonderful and not so wonderful things to observe while on the bus. Today on the 151 headed toward Diversey and Sheridan this girl boards the bus with her sister and 2 year old nephew and to my great surprise she is wearing a shirt and only a shirt.
It looks as if she's just done the walk of shame down Michigan Avenue, all day, but the bastard wasn't nice enough to give her some pants or shorts and she didn't have enough dignity to go home and change.
I know sometimes girls coming from or going to the beach just throw on a shirt but girlfriend did not have on a swim suit underneath this over sized button down Oxford. WTF?! Everyone with eyes looked at the poor girl like how much do you charge an hour? And I thought, clearly not that much if you're on the bus and wearing just a shirt and slut heels.
I mean come on! This is America! We are a country first populated by prudes. One has got to know that if you're going to go outside in downtown Chicago wearing a shirt as a dress you will get judged, by everyone. The homeless people will even judge you.

The Kicker: She had a shopping bag from Express, which means she could have bought some pants and put them on before leaving the store....