Don't Stand So Close To Me

A wise Bostonian woman once said "Move the f*** over!!!!!" and I don't think I could have said it any better. Being in Chicago about two months now there have been countless opportunities to get into some awkward situations on the street. Pedestrians everywhere should learn these three simple rules:

PERSONAL SPACE
For the love of God you do not need to stand any closer to me on this sidewalk when there's an entire square to my right and to my left that are completely empty, and I see you inching closer. Don't think I don't notice. Perhaps you don't see all that well. Maybe I blend into the surroundings and that's why you decided to stand so close in front of me that I can see every mole on the back of your neck. So when I cough loudly to startle you and send you death rays from my eyes it means BACK THE F*** OFF. This town actually is big enough for the two of us, this sidewalk in fact.

LANE TRANSLATION
If you've ever driven a car in the continental United States you know that traffic passes ON YOUR LEFT. So, if you're walking down a busy street wouldn't it be easier to just translate this simple concept into pedestrian life? Why should we reinvent the wheel when there is clearly a system that already works?! Let's hire PedeCops. They will be police officers who stand on the street and ticket people for walking on the wrong side of the sidewalk.

ROAD HOG
The newest observation yet. Throngs of people crossing the street at once with no regard for the people coming at them. Yes, let's take up the entire sidewalk and street so that the people coming towards us have to play PLINKO in order to get to the other side. No no, excuse me, sorry for trying to get to my destination. I know you need this entire sidewalk and weaving back and forth so that I can't get around you is a lot of fun. The PedeCops will also ticket for reckless walking. Oh and the PedeCops will be from Boston.

Public Service Announcement

FORGET WHAT YOUR MOTHER TOLD YOU ABOUT BABIES AND PREGNANCY
ITS IN THE WATER!

If you have a uterus you are at risk. Now the danger is worse than ever. Pregnancies are at an all time high. Every woman should protect herself from this highly communicable condition.

Know the symptoms...Know the signs
*nausea
*heartburn
*indigestion
*upset stomach
*diarrhea
Some severe symptoms often include
*weight gain
*child labor

It is important that you remove yourself from any situation from which you may become pregnant, the most common being public sources of water. Locations with the highest risk tend to be offices, schools, parks, pools and beaches.

"I thought I knew what to avoid. I was at a party one night, thought I was being careful. A month later I was pregnant. I never thought drinking out of a large plastic Rubbermaid container filled with fruit and alcohol could result in pregnancy."
- Ginny, 21, Granville, OH

"Its almost like the chicken pox, sometimes you just have to get all your friends together and get it over with. That's what we did."
- Nicole Richie, adopted daughter of famed singer Lionel Richie

If you think you may be at risk, contact your health care provider at once.

For more information visit our website at www.itsinthewater.com

Judgey Wudgey Was A Bear

There are a million wonderful and not so wonderful things to observe while on the bus. Today on the 151 headed toward Diversey and Sheridan this girl boards the bus with her sister and 2 year old nephew and to my great surprise she is wearing a shirt and only a shirt.
It looks as if she's just done the walk of shame down Michigan Avenue, all day, but the bastard wasn't nice enough to give her some pants or shorts and she didn't have enough dignity to go home and change.
I know sometimes girls coming from or going to the beach just throw on a shirt but girlfriend did not have on a swim suit underneath this over sized button down Oxford. WTF?! Everyone with eyes looked at the poor girl like how much do you charge an hour? And I thought, clearly not that much if you're on the bus and wearing just a shirt and slut heels.
I mean come on! This is America! We are a country first populated by prudes. One has got to know that if you're going to go outside in downtown Chicago wearing a shirt as a dress you will get judged, by everyone. The homeless people will even judge you.

The Kicker: She had a shopping bag from Express, which means she could have bought some pants and put them on before leaving the store....

Let's Get Physical, Physical

One should know the difference between a Bally Total Fitness in Cleveland Heights, OH and one in Chicago, IL. The Severance Town Center location of Bally is full of fat, unattractive people. It's welcoming and inviting and you feel like you're really accomplishing something while you're sweating your balls off on the elliptical. This does not hold true for Century City's location, which by the way is intimidating on its own. Who puts a two story gym on the 6th floor of a mall? You walk off the elevator and BAM there's the front desk, which is manned by fairly skinny and attractive men and women. You go through the turnstile and BAM 6 or so rows of treadmills, stairmasters and ellipticals. As if to say, everyone else is working out you should probably hurry up and get out here. So you rush to the locker room and put your bag away, get your ipod out and look the other way as you pass the scale, which is so perfectly positioned right by the doorway, as if to say hey, aren't you forgetting something?
You get on your machine and look right up at the TVs so that you don't have to stare at all the really fit, athletic and skinny people around you, and they're all like that. You actually look at everyone on every machine, at every water fountain and realize they're all fit! Not only are these nice looking, skinny, athletic people making you feel bad but they're also making you look bad too. They're all wearing body hugging exercise gear that shows off their tight abs and killer biceps. Where did they all get these awesome clothes? Oh, the Under Armour store thats at the front of the gym. So you feel dumb in your Denison style 'man shorts' and white t-shirt that says 'irresistible' on the front and 'Heineken' on the back.
And after your Weight Loss Program on the Precor machine, that should have been 30 minutes but right around 18 it kept urging you to PEDAL FASTER, you do a piss poor weight training circuit on machines that all look the same and kick your ass all the same just so you can ride back down to street level on a elevator full of hot, sweaty, sculpted men. And you're the ass hole wearing a shirt that says 'irresistible'....

Lesson Learned: Bowflex comes before Bally and Steve Weber had the right idea

Ungrateful: starring Katherine Heigl

I have interrupted the scheduled nature of this blog for a discussion about an actress for which I previously had a great liking. Grey's Anatomy, a show that undoubtedly propelled Ms. Heigl into stardom has been given the cold shoulder by the aforementioned actress. In numerous interviews, two of which I will painfully admit to having read/seen, she expressed her dislike for the direction the writers and producers have taken with the character Isobel Stevens. That is a fair statement. Izzie is a total loser now but I believe tact is the buzz word here. Ms. Heigl pulls the brattiest move since the tantrum and pulls herself from the running for an Emmy, stating she doesn't want to be given credit for the quality lacking material she's been given.

So now the show will take a turn for the worst, worse than it was this past season, all because of whiny Heigl. There are rumors of Izzie getting a brain tumor and possibly dying so that she can literally get out of the picture. Of course, these are unconfirmed but one can only hope the writers take the high road and restore the series to its former glory.

Katherine should learn from those before her. Those who got too big for their britches and TANKED in the end because they thought they were movie stars. Its all been done before...

Lesson learned: don't bite the hand that feeds you

It's A Family Affair

The weekend of my 23rd birthday was the absolutely the last day I could take having that couch standing up on its end in my studio apartment. So my mother, aunt and sister and I decide to just get it out ourselves...
Attempt #1 - the elevator: apparently god did not create men and women equally because some how the two Croatian guys were able to get it in the elevator and up to my place. the four of us females could not do it
Attempt #2 - the stairs: two black men were able to get the very same couch up the stairs on a different occasion. but somehow the four of us could not do it
Attempt #3 - the fire escape: the most dangerous way to get a couch down stairs is most definitely via fire escape. but the four of us women with the watchful eye of my nana (because i just knew cops were going to come down that alley way) were able to get this gigantor couch from the 4th floor to the 2nd floor landing. from the 2nd floor landing is where we threw it off the fire escape onto the ground.
now that's love...

lesson learned: when your mother tells you not to take the couch, don't take the damn couch!

What Would You Do For A....trip to Target

As an avid fan of Target it was imperative that I make the trip to the nearest location as soon as possible. Seeing as that I don't have a car here in the Chi it was the bus for me. And the evening went as follows...

take the 73 Armitage going west, get off at Western. look around and realize you did your first Chicago walk of shame in this slightly sketchy heavily Hispanic neighborhood.
get on the 49 Western going north, except you get on and go in the opposite direction and realize you are quickly approaching the south side of Chicago eeeek. get off the 49 going south as soon as possible and walk the 6 blocks back to Armitage, get heckled by a Mexican car salesman.

reach Armitage and watch the last bus pass you by

walk to Fullerton get on the 74 and walk down Lincoln, get heckled by an old drunk man. See the glorious sign for Dairy Queen! after a three hour trip that did not end up at Target a snickers blizzard is a fine prize....

lesson learned: don't take the 76 after 7:00 cause you're not getting back home